Reasonable Dissent

What is love to an atheist?

In a similar line to writing about atheist perspectives on death and dying, I want to write some about emotions for an atheist, and specifically love.

Along with the usual “Atheists believe death is the end, so they must be depressed all the time,” I occasionally hear a similar, “Atheists think everything is chemicals, so love is the same as being hungry or tired — meaningless.” Or something similar. I’m not really sure what these kinds of statements are trying to do. My knee-jerk reaction is that they’re aimed at people on-the-fence, making it appear as though being an atheist is a pitiful existence. This may not be a malicious attack, but it seems like the most logical motive. The other explanation I would offer is that it’s justification for a person’s unwillingness to let go of certain beliefs: “If atheists can’t love, then I don’t want to be one.” (Usually this is accompanied by only a vague idea of what they mean by ‘love’, which is then modified as we go along to try to stay out of reach of someone who doesn’t believe in God.)

Lucky for us heathens, it’s not the painful drudgery of an existence that it’s made out to be. Let’s start with the fundamentals. Emotions and feelings are a part of my physical body. I have no reason to believe that there is anything supernatural about them. However, emotions, feelings and the human brain in general are so complex that I make no claims about understanding the actual mechanisms behind them. There is ample evidence, however, that as we learn more about the function of our brain we will learn more about why we feel what we feel. From an objective perspective, social emotions like love are a completely logical development for our species as well. We have evolved to empathize with each other, to form monogamous relationships and desire reciprocity of kind behavior. All of these are extremely benefitial for the species as a whole. Does any of this make the feelings less meaningful to me? Absolutely not.

Here’s what makes love seem less meaningful: when I was young, one of my best friends’ parents told me about how, without God, their marriage would have fallen apart. So, they stayed together because of God? Couples’ counseling by a religious authority very often has this slant – you stay together because it will please God (or anger him if you don’t). So what does this couple do? Are they supposed to look at each other and say, “Oh, well in that case, I guess I do love you! Thanks, God, for letting me know!” In actuality, they didn’t change their feelings for each other at all, but decided that it was more important to live unhappily now rather than displease God. How romantic.

No, I prefer love the way it is: real, physical and powerful.  I am very much in love with my fiance. Does it matter that a million years of evolution might have brought us to the point where we experience things this way? Not to me: I enjoy being happy in my life. Maybe a million years of evolution told my body that it will survive the winter easier if I eat fatty foods. That doesn’t mean that I like eating fresh chocolate chip cookies any less, and the happiness I take from this loving relationship doesn’t compare.  I’ve never understood why the possibility for a physical explanation is thought to make the feeling any less potent.

I find the Christian way of loving your spouse through God insulting and demeaning. Why are we not capable of understanding love and making our own decisions about our own feelings? Is it supposed to help keep relationships together? Statistics say it doesn’t really do anything. Why then is it so important submit their feelings for God’s approval?

The human side of our emotions makes them beautiful. I know that when my fiance tells me “I love you”, that it’s her saying it. There’s no invisible puppet master as the source of her love for me; it’s completely between us. We can ask, “What do you love about me?” and the answer has nothing to do with some unnecessary third wheel.  Everything between us is layed out on the table, and there’s nothing mystical about it. It’s just love.

Tags: atheism, evolution, love